My goal is to be professional and all that, but I think you must agree that a well-written rant is always invigorating for the reader. Therefore, I have decided to begin a list of Common Household Items That I Believe Have More Value Than Facebook. WARNING: This is not a mathematical page and value is difficult to measure. I will simply be pointing out household items that seem to me to have more value than Facebook. A little common sense goes a long way in these matters, and I pride myself on having at least a little common sense.
#1: The Toothpick.
It struck me last week that the toothpick is a most ingenious household item. Generally found in the kitchen, the toothpick has such a vast number of uses that it is impossible to count them all. A few of these uses are particularly notable. For example, the toothpick has been used for over three million years for pricking cakes, muffins, breads, and unruly bananas. Scientists disagree as to the reasoning behind this use. One group says that the puncture is supposed to remind the food item that “flour it was, and to flour it shall return.” This seems improbable because it does not explain the bananas. Another interesting toothpick use is that of the dueling toothpick. They stopped putting this in the history books, but toothpicks were universally used for all forms of personal warfare before swords were invented. You have probably heard, but rumor has it that the Prince of Sweden has a morbid fear of toothpicks. I can present no solid evidence for this, but I have a great deal of faith that, were someone to run wildly towards him with a toothpick, he would be afeared. Unusually enough, toothpicks can also be glued on construction paper in the shape of alphabet letters. This was used as an exercise for children in kindergarten until the 1960s, when the children inexplicably stopped figuring out how to make the ”C” and “S”. Moreover, if you so desire, you can put a toothpick halfway into your mouth and gnaw your teeth up and down. If you add a hat and mud, you may make a pretty convincing Iowa farmer impersonation. But no guarantees, for even toothpicks are not without imperfections. There are so many toothpick uses that I could go on for days, but all things must stop somewhere. So, log off Facebook today and spend some time pondering the toothpick. These little guys have a lot of wisdom packed into their skinny wooden frames.
#2: The Doorknob.
Give this little guy a round of applause. The doorknob is one hardworking little household item with quite a bit more value than Facebook. Indeed, the doorknob has been working hard ever since the first real doors were invented. Studies show that the doorknob was invented even before the ground-breaking first wheel. Originally, doorknobs may have been straps of leather or small holes into which one might stick his fingers and pull. However, scientists can’t really say for sure, as the first doors have long since rotted away. Definitely, these knobs have a lot more historical intrigue than Facebook. They also now come in a variety of beautiful and useful sizes, shapes and colors. Today, you can even get your doorknob in the shape of a peacock, glue-gun, lime, or (if you don’t mind special ordering and a tad longer wait) llama. Almost 70% of doorknobs are go-getters. 20% are overachievers, and a 10% minority are slackers. A good doorknob is used about 100 times a day on average, which I hope is many more times than the average person logs on to Facebook each day. Doorknobs can also be locked and therefore keep snoops and burglars out of places where they should not be. Facebook, on the other hand, only invites snoops and burglars and supplies them with all sorts of private information. Doorknobs generally have love-interests in the form of gloves. In this modern era, people have tried to impede these healthy relationships by refusing to wear gloves. This is why people usually go around bare-handed nowadays. It is a pity, for it is proper and natural for a new doorknob and glove pair to elope at least every other Thursday. The severe lack of gloves these days has fired a revolt in the youngest doorknob generation. Many of them intentionally squeak, a few angrily rattle, and a small number of radicals voluntarily open the doors to chatty political activists, fire-breathing dragons, and/or telemarketers who have lost their voices. But can we blame them? Doorknobs have a history of helpfulness. Often braving wind and rain and sleet and snow, doorknobs stick to their charges (the stoic doors) and get the job done. In conclusion, next time you use the dashing doorknob to open or close a door, reflect on how this hardworking knob is a lot more valuable than Facebook.